I’m told I am not a good gift giver, but I find this assessment baseless.
Holidays are an important time of the year; gifts are an opportunity to share love, affection and wisdom. Nothing fills me with more pleasure than seeing the faces of friends and family light up like the Baghdad night sky during an airstrike.
If you are having a hard time buying for the ones YOU love, not to fear. The following is a list of gifts I’ve given this year.
To Ruthie, my 90 year old Great Aunt: A 12 pack of deodorant from Costco. Getting older means you smell more.
For my 8 year old cousin Gregory: “Malaria in Northern Sudan”. A wonderfully researched and educational coloring book I found at a garage sale (keep your eyes open for holiday deals!).
For my 65 year old mother: a free subscription to the prestigious quarterly “Human Digestion”. Egg nog gives her enough gas to stun a mule.
For Brenda, the single mother of four who lives next door: birth control and a hobby.
For my ex-girlfriend Sally: lewd picture messages of my genitals wearing reindeer ears.
And for my peppy, sports-loving younger brother: A life-size poster of legendary college football coach Jerry Sandusky (you would NOT believe the sale)!
If any of these gift ideas inspired you, please, use them for yourself.
Christmas is the most magical time of year, a time of warmth, song, and the worship of a mildly psychotic, but rather kind and humble, Palestinian Jew that was tortured to death 2000 years ago for having magical powers.
Merry Christmas everyone and don’t drink so much that you accidentally fall asleep in the bathtub nude, save for a light blue hat that says “Life is About Choices,” and a welt on your ass.