Why I Am Not On Facebook Or Twitter Or (etc.)

Your life is of the utmost fascination to you. Of course it is.

After all, it’s YOUR life.

On your facebook, you have lots of photos of your friends, many of whom you never speak to, or only rarely speak to.

On your Facebook you have wonderfully memorable photos of profoundly unique experiences such as getting drunk, eating food, or going outside.

No doubt, you also have uploaded photos of your face and appearance. You are obviously the best looking person around (or at least one of them), and the rest of us would perhaps risk a seizure were we not reminded of this.

You have posts about your thoughts throughout the day. Almost without exception, these thoughts you have illuminate the dark shroud of stupidity and boredom most of the rest of us live under.

For a moment there, I wasn’t sure what to do with my life. I was lost, my spirit divided. Then you posted “Carpe Diem” and everything started to make sense!

I had no idea you had an egg roll for lunch! 

How neat that you saw a movie! 

Are you really THAT busy today? At first I didn’t believe you, but when you uploaded a photo of your “to-do” list, I nearly broke down — you poor thing! How do you do it?

If a photo of your face is taken at the right angle, and appropriately staged with lighting, along with numerous practice photos, I am gleefully convinced of your otherwise unimaginable beauty.

You are also very clearly a fascinating person.

I’m always glad to hear about your wonderful occupation at Verizon or AT&T or Bank of America. As these jobs are very difficult to come by, and require a massive amount of intellect, you would be foolish not to remind us of your staggering accomplishments.

Your sense of humor is amazing! Everytime you post something you think is funny, I can’t stop laughing until I vomit on myself. So embarrasing. But, hey, I’m not the comedic genius. Thank goodness you think to post everything that sort of sounds a little bit humorous to you!

Oh, and keep those photos of your friends and family coming. You have a Mom and a Dad, or maybe just a Mom or maybe just a Dad. You also have friends, some are fat, some are skinny, some are tall and some are short. Some are successful and some aren’t. I would be in the dark about your dynamic peer group if it weren’t for these photos! Simply fantastic!

I’m so glad we are in contact. How sad, indeed, it would be to forego your timeless wisdom, earth-shattering accomplishments, subtle yet gut-busting sense of humor and obvious physical beauty.

Oh, and those pictures of your new baby! Look at him/her! Infant-like, some hair but not that much, can’t quite speak yet and so instead makes cute noises and he crawls instead of walks! Without these photos, I’d be forced to assume your baby looks like every other baby — thank goodness you uploaded!

Keep in touch 4 eva!

 

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